Sam, The Ingleton Plumber

By F. W. Stembridge

Old Sam was an Ingleton plumber,
   In fact ‘e’d been there from the first,
You couldn’t tell Sam from a blood’ound
    When ‘e got on to t’ trail of a burst.
‘E were well known as far off as Settle
    As best man at job in the Dale ;
The sight of one drop of waste water
    Was enough to set Sam on the trail.
Toffed up in ‘is ‘ard ‘eaded bowler
    ‘E worked at ‘is plumbing all day,
Except when ‘e went to ‘is uncle’s
    At Clapham, some four miles away.

Uncle Ned was ‘is nearest relation,
    ‘E was a sea-captain by trade,
‘E was building a boat down at Clapham
    ‘In the ‘opes a canal would be made.
There was a small stream in the village,
    But ‘ardly enough for ‘is boat,
Which needed some ten foot of water,
    Before ‘e could trust it to float.
‘E told Sam of this shortage of water,
    Not thinking ‘e’d do any good,
But Sam sucked the end of ‘is pencil
   And promised ‘e’d do what ‘e could.

The summer that year ‘ad been awful,
    But the stream never rose very ‘igh,
It didn’t seem right to a plumber,
    So Sam started to reason out why.
If water was not reaching Clapham,
    It must ‘ave gone somewhere else first,
So ‘e jambed on ‘is ‘ard ‘eaded bowler,
    And set off to look for the burst.
The first thing ‘e was taught as a plumber,
   When attending the college in town,
Was that water, if given its freedom,
    Would always run, not up, but down.

Remembering this wisdom of childhood,
   Sam walked a few yards up the ‘ill,
But seeing no signs of a river,
    ‘E determined to go further still.
Well, ‘e walked on for ‘ours and ‘ours
    Till, just when ‘e felt fit to drop,
‘E saw a gurt ‘oil in the mountain,
    With a crowd of young chaps sat on top,
While on the far side of the chasm,
    Sam saw that a river was dashing,
Which, just as they’d taught ‘im in childhood,
    Fell into the ‘ole without splashing.

Sam says—” With all that force of water
   It’s a wonder yon ‘oil doesn’t fill.
A young chap says, ” Don’t talk so foolish,
   Don’t you know that yon ‘oil’s Gaping Gill.”
Sam knew that ‘is journey was ended,
   And now the real work could begin,
So ‘e walked round the edge of the chasm,
   To find the best way to get in.
Somebody ‘ad left a rope ladder,
   Which proved very ‘andy for Sam.
‘E soon reached the floor of the cavern,
   And started to think out a dam.
The place was as big as a palace,
   With room for a thousand or more,
But Sam knew ‘e’d jolly soon fill it,
   When ‘e’d stopped up the ‘ole in the floor

Well, as ‘e was such a good plumber,
   The job was quite easy to ‘im.
‘E soon stopped the leakage of water,
   And filled up the cave to the brim.
‘E got out with ‘is ‘ard ‘eaded bowler,
   Which made it so easy to float,
And sent word to ‘is uncle in Clapham,
   To get up the steam on ‘is boat.
The stream rose as deep as the ocean,
   And in places was seven miles wide,
So that motorists coming from Settle,
   ‘Ad to find out the state of the tide.
Next morning Sam sailed with ‘is uncle,
   But they’d very soon cause to be sorry,
For the dam in Sam’s cavern burst open,
   And they brought the boat ‘ome on a lorry.